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Archive for the ‘January’ Category

I have just completed my first full week back into full classes at the academy after my wonderful Christmas break, and by God I am feeling the stress – not to mention the burn in all my muscles!  Not only do I feel my legs are ready to fall off, I also feel as though I have slept on a concrete floor  for about two months as  my back is really tight – and don’t even get me started on how my face now looks without all of my of my usual  makeup on. I have bags under my eyes and I look as though I have not had any rest whatsoever… but I have got to admit it is my own fault! When you burn the candle at both ends (as my mother often tells me) you will undoubtedly suffer, and becoming the ripe old age of 18 really got me into that party spirit back home in Scotland!

The Christmas break was great on so many levels and I had a wonderful time with everyone in Scotland! Christmas is always a joyous occasion with the family around the table – and of course Santa Claus putting presents under the tree.  Santa was very good to me (as always) this year, but I did notice that nearly all of my presents were fancy clothes for going out… Not that I am going to complain as I wore every outfit to every occasion that I had planned. I will admit to you all that I probably never rested as much as I had planned to, but my excuse for that is that there were too many people to see and visit and too many places to go to.  And Christmas is such a busy time anyway, you never really do relax. I am also not one for sitting on the couch and relaxing for too long to be honest, I’d much rather be out having fun and catching up with friends; things that in Russia I am not able to do due to all the commitment to dance and studying for exams, so it is nice to totally chill and relax the body and brain for a while. I spent a lot of time with my cousin Shaunie and best friend Megan when I was home and it was honestly the best feeling ever just being able to talk to them without the interferences and delays in Skype calls or half-facebook conversations due to the internet crashing mid sentence! I do miss them when I am away but that’s what makes my time at home even more special because it shows me that I really have to make the effort to see everyone when I am home and then I feel I have not missed out on anything important.  Everything is that bit more enjoyable because you know you only have a small amount of time to cram everything in, and my family and friends make so much effort to make it special as they know I have so little time at home.

Saying goodbye is, and always will, be hard for me. You would think that almost 2 years away from home I would have got used to seeing that departure gate in Glasgow airport and it would be like water off a duck’s back, but believe me  it doesn’t get any easier!  I hate that final kiss and cuddle and the words “see you soon baby, not long until your back home again!” Even though I may now be 18 years old and officially an adult, I still blubber like a baby. It gets me every time and I can’t help but break down. I have mentioned in previous blogs how close I am to my mum and that I’m able to tell her everything, which I know is a very a special relationship to have, and I do treasure this and know not many mothers and daughters have this special gift. Of course we have our little niggles now and again but who doesn’t? I know I am very blessed to have such a good relationship with my mum and for that I am thankful. I think Glasgow airport is the worst part of my journey because I always have that thought in my head, “I could just run back downstairs and call and she will be back in 5 minutes” – and I know she has the exact same thought too! But where would anyone be in this life if they always gave up in times that are hard, and never pushed the boundaries that little bit more to see what the final outcome in their journey would be?  So once again I boarded my plane heavy-hearted, and as my plane departed I waved goodbye to my Bonnie Scotland and landed in London for my short wait and quick catch up with Heather, which always helps to lift my spirits before getting to the final part of my travels and arriving in Moscow at 8pm.

I was meant to have 3 days of classes before beginning my first full week back in the academy but in true Hayley style I had felt a little ill before leaving Scotland and with the long hours of travel and every other bug flying around the aircraft, I landed in Moscow very ill and never left my room for 4 days, barely eating and keeping nothing in my stomach. Luckily I had felt this coming on and already had tablets from home. As you have probably noticed I have learnt very quickly to know when my body is ailing and since living in Moscow that is a great skill as it hopefully means no more hospital trips for me this year! Sunday night I was almost back to normal, much to Natalie’s relief. She is honestly such a great friend and roommate as I don’t know many people that would be up at 4am sitting on a cold toilet floor bringing me water and the following night sitting up till all hours to make sure that I was feeling okay. It is a regular occurrence with us both – when one is sick the other plays nursemaid! She is an absolutely amazing girl and one that I know I will still be in contact with in many years as we have such a great wee bond here in Moscow that distance between dance companies in a year’s time can’t possibly break!

Monday’s 7 am wake up call felt as though I had just hit a brick wall, but I was so looking forward to dancing again and getting those legs moving and muscles working. Natalie Igorovna really stuck to the saying “no rest for the wicked ” as despite having a 3 week break, she was as hard as ever with barely a moment to breathe never mind shake your aching muscles out. I was gasping for air at the end of every exercise and unlike the UK, we are not allowed water in class which didn’t help the situation. The thought behind not allowing us water is that when we perform we have to dance long sequences without a break, so we have to let our body get used to being without – hence no water!  That night I had to sit for a good 2 hours stretching and massaging out my muscles thinking it was a one night thing, but oh no no, this has been my routine every night this week! Unfortunately ballet ended on a less positive note this week as my body was at such a stage of tiredness I felt I couldn’t do anything positive in class and really started to doubt myself and my abilities. My emotions then took over and I became quite negative with myself and got very down. I have been dancing since the age of two, pointing my little toes, hair in a ballet bun, smiles covering my whole face with the sheer delight of being able to dance around for hours, but none of this really prepares you for what real training to be a Classical Ballet Dancer is like. Arriving into my teenage years I always pictured the perfect ballerina that makes everything looks so flawless but no one ever tells you about all the tears and hard work she has to put in just to give you that image. Don’t get me wrong, I have never ever been under the illusion that it would be easy, but you think you are prepared for every eventuality that comes your way! Emotional isn’t the word for how my week ended, but I can only blame myself as I am the one that controls my head and body and sometimes I forget that. Self doubt is luckily something that I never came across when growing up, as I have always been surrounded by people who gave positive feedback,  but being in a school where you are surrounded with students that may someday be Bolshoi’s next star, it’s hard not to look, compare yourself and wish that you had something of theirs. And I know when doubt rears its ugly head it is not only a very scary thing but also very ugly thing too.  I know that tears will not make anything easier especially when I am so far away from home and I also know it can pull your immune system down too which also leads to illness, but for me it does help as it gets it out of my system, and I am one of those people who has a cry and then somehow manages to come back the next day with a new perspective and a much brighter outlook on the situation. 

My mum always has to deal with those A4 facebook messages that are just filled with stress and I would like to apologise to her for that. Although she may be my mum and always said that no matter what she is there to listen, I have realised that there is nothing she can physically do when sitting behind a computer in Scotland and only I can fix this kind of situation. Monday is a new day and although everything I have spoken about won’t just disappear overnight I will put it to the back of my mind and march on with all the fight I have inside me.  No one is going to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay while I am in Moscow, so I need to create a new state of mind filled with positives objectives that I can work towards, and when achieved will give me a sense of improvement and satisfaction and also a kick in the teeth to those bad thoughts. I was given this chance for a reason, so for these next few months I am going to do everything I can and will take the bull by the horns and make a noticeable change in myself as a dancer, one that I can look back on one day and say “I had doubts, but look where I am now!”

On top of all of this, Russian language has hit a new level of difficult.  We have been told that our large Russian exam which could be detrimental towards our diploma if not passed is coming up in the month of May so preparation is in full swing. We were given a mock of what one part of this exam will be like and I am not going to lie I think I guessed almost every answer. I feel that because I am almost a year behind everyone else that my understanding of the grammar is not as good, but no excuses as it’s as hard for everyone as it is for me! I have not got my mark back yet but even if I have not done as well as I hoped, at least it will give me some sort of direction as to where I am going wrong and then my teacher will focus on how we can fix it. I have a new Russian teacher since returning so I will keep you posted on how my new classes are going and also the exam prep. However, I’m not going to get myself too worried about all of this because we have been told that if we’re not ready to sit this major exam in May then we are able to take the exam in the October of our third year, which is very positive as it will give me more time to get things right. I am a firm believer in what will be will be so I will plod on and hopefully all will turn out in my favour.

I hope this blog wasn’t too negative for you all as I didn’t mean it to be. On a positive note I want you to know that I really am determined to get through this year and learn everything I possibly can, take everything that is thrown at me and make myself happy in everything I face,  but also to show all that believe in me that I can do it and will do all I can to make everyone, especially me, proud. Until my next blog guys 🙂

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Christmas is upon us and no doubt by the time you read this blog, it will all be over for another year!  The suspense and excitement of opening all my presents is killing me! I feel like a 5 year old again. All I can think about is being with my family on this joyous occasion and eating far too much food! And of course… the presents, I just can’t wait! I have had a lot of fun Christmas shopping in Russia this yea. Natalie, Heather, Dan and I found this beautiful shop filled with amazing Christmas decorations and I could have spent hours in there just gaping at the sheer works of art that are carved in every individual item they had on display. This sort of shop is what makes Christmas even more beautiful and special … and yes, I may have spent a few pennies more than I should have! This fantastic store also had a hand-carved box with an electrical presentation of the story of the nutcracker.  For those who are as interested in ballet as I am, can rest assured this piece of machinery was not only stunning to look at but was so sweet to listen to also, and very expensive… it certainly kept Daniel Dolan entertained which is always a plus when you take a boy shopping!

From there we had a little nosey in all of the designer shops within the complex and although the clothes were ridiculously priced, it was fun to pretend just for a moment that my mother’s credit card was an endless pot of gold and I could actually spend £200 on a cardigan! ( I can dream)… I managed to choose my mummy a little present for Christmas.  She requests a special little bauble from Russia every year, so I hope I have done her proud and she loves what I have chosen, and it will sit proudly alongside all of the other decorations on our tree. I have been a little naughty this year (more than usual) and told you all porky pies on my last blog!  If you are a regular reader to my blog you will know that I said I was arriving home on the 21st of December and I was absolutely ecstatic. Well, actually, I had really booked my flights for the 16th December and part of my blog was written to you all as I waited in London airport for my connecting flight to Glasgow! However, you are not the only ones I have told a little white lie to, most of my family and friends were under the exact same impression!  I was so looking forward to surprising them and seeing the look on their faces when I arrived at their houses.

I have to admit, though, I am glad Pinocchio is not a true story otherwise my nose would not have fitted on the plane! It was a lot of fun writing on my cousin and best friend’s wall on facebook items like “only 12 days left until I leave Russia for Scotland” when really I had my suitcase out and ready to leave for home. I have so many plans for when I am home and I really think I am mentally and physically needing this rest. I will still be doing ballet classes of course as I need to keep my body in training condition but it will be nice not to hear that alarm at 7 am and also know Natalie Igorovna Revich won’t be standing in my living room with her class of muscle exhaustion at the ready!

My ballet classes on my final week finished on a high note and I have been happy with my slow but none the less steady progress so far.  Revich gave me alot of corrections to think about over Christmas and I am really glad to have that peace of mind that she is paying attention to me in class and above all, that I am beginning to make an impression. She admitted to me  after my long injury-ridden break that she was very worried about me returning to the academy as she thought all of the Russian technique that she had taught me would have been forgotten, not on purpose, but as my body was so tuned into UK technique it was just so easy to fall back into old habits. However, after a lot of tears and hard work for not only me but her also I am getting there and she said she is happy with what she is seeing. She believes I have lost weight through the workload and is happy with how my body is changing and said there is no need to fret over weight issues now as my main priority is class and above all – improvement! I absolutely love Revich. She is one of the most caring and understanding women I have ever met. At our last ballet class, Natalie and I gave her a big bunch of flowers as a small thank you, but if I am honest, no present could really provide the true thanks that we feel towards her. We will be going back after Christmas feeling refreshed and ready to work our British behinds off to give her the exam class she requires and also expects from us. So wish us luck!

In our last week at the academy Natalie and I only had ballet class everyday and no academics!  This is because in order to leave the academy we have to hand in all the books we have taken out of the library, so there was no language class.  Our Narha teacher had to go home for personal reasons so I hope all is well for her and our acting teacher was ill so I hope she has a speedy recovery! I suppose it was nice for us to have the extra time to really get everything sorted and have last minute bits and bobs bought and thrown in the suitcases.  Poor Heather still had all of her dance classes on so she would come in gasping for water as Natalie and I looked on in our jammies (pyjamas) with a Christmas film playing… such good room mates we are eh? Sorry Heather! I am also pleased to report that I have managed to pass all my exams to date,  which is a great weight off my mind, but there is a long way to go and a lot of hard work faces us when we return… no resting on our laurels!

As I arrived home into all the chaos of Christmas cheer, it was time to get everything ready for my 18th birthday celebrations and also Christmas Day! My mum and I had to get my dress fitted and also organise the balloons and venue where I was having my party. It was very festive indeed and a great time was had by all! Thanks to everyone who were involved and managed to come along to be part of my 18th birthday bash. It was great to see old faces again! I love you all, but I was also so sorry to see my little Natalie couldn’t make it due to technical difficulties with her car, and since she lives in London it certainly is not a couple of miles away, so Natalie, Dan, Heather and I will just have to have our own little party when we return to Russia!

I do hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Spend time with all the people you love, after all that is what Christmas is all about!! Raise a glass  to a very successful 2012!  All the best from Scotland!

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